i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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