Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
