I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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