there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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