i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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