thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
