bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
