Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
