Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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