I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
