Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
