Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
