i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
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bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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