the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
