Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
