Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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