Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Its about making memories worth repressing
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
