It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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