You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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