Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
