saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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