My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
