Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
