Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
