they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
