Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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