i can't believe i had my finger in that
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
