I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
