I hate all girls vehemently.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
