I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
