why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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