after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
