Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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