I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
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I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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