one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
