sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You were trust falling into bushes
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
