Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
