It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
