If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
