Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
