I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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