I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My feet surprised me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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