He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
