Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
