I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
