I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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