literally had 100 drinks last night.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
