He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
