I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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