I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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