A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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