I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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