so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
