How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
