I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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