yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
